1. Why am I visiting this site? This site was created to help Asian and/or Pacific Islander (API) youth that identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer or Questioning (LGBTQQ), as well as their parents, who want to begin exploring the impact that different cultural understandings of gender, sexuality and communication have on individuals and families within the API community. Many people feel alone, lost and confused when confronted with the topic of alternative sexualities and gender identities. You may want to know if there are other API’s that are dealing with issues that are similar to what you may be facing, what their experiences have been like and how they are dealing with the impact on their lives and the lives of their loved ones. By learning to recognize the core concepts, values and beliefs that shaped your child’s or your parent’s perceptions of gender, sexuality and communication, you can begin to see how it influences their thoughts, feelings and actions. This can help you figure out how to communicate with them in a way that is more effective and more sensitive to their feelings. What is most important is keeping the family whole and healthy. 2. How is this site beneficial to me? The API Family Project website can help you learn that you are not alone and that being LGBTQQ and API, or having a child that is LGBTQQ, is not the “end of the world.” In fact, it may be an opportunity to begin building healthier relationships within your family. This site presents the stories of real people, their unique perspectives on gender and sexuality and the effects that differing cultural values can have on family relationships. You can also find resources, expand your support network, figure out if coming out to your peers and/or family members is right for you and learn strategies from the experiences that are shared in this site, for making your coming out process as positive as you can. 3. What is LGBTQQ? LGBTQQ is an acronym encompassing many different sexual and gender identities that are marginalized because they do not conform to the status quo. The acronym stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Questioning, the definitions of which are as follows: Lesbian: A term identifying a woman who is predominantly or exclusively attracted to women emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. Gay: A term identifying a man who is predominantly or exclusively attracted to men emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. It is also sometimes used in reference to lesbian women, individuals that identify as a sexual minority (not conventionally heterosexual) or the LGBTQQ community as a whole. Some feel that this is offensive because it perpetuates sexism by using a usually male-specific term to describe women and/or an entire community. Bisexual: A term identifying a person who is attracted to men and women emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. Transgender: An umbrella term used to describe a continuum of individuals whose gender identity and how it is expressed, to varying degrees, do not correspond to their biological sex. Queer: (1) An umbrella term used to refer to the entire LGBTQQ community. (2) A term identifying individuals that identify as a sexual minority. (3) A term that some straight allies use to self-identify, acknowledging their connection to the community, based upon shared values, supportive behavior, commitment to social change, etc. which isn’t contingent on their own sexual identity. Many LGBTQQ people consider this term derogatory, particularly those belonging to the older generation. Its use is more prevalent in youth communities. There are many reasons why people use the term. Some feel that using language that has a historically negative connotation in a positive way challenges that negativity and is a means of taking back power. When referring to the community as a whole, others feel that, unlike using LGBTQQ, it is more inclusive and makes allowances for more radical ways of identifying. Still others choose to identify as queer because terms such as gay or lesbian hold certain racial, political, economic or social connotations that they may not identify with or want to perpetuate. Questioning: A term identifying a person who is in the process of exploring their sexuality or gender identity. Often, but not necessarily accompanied by confusion and uncertainty. 4. What is "coming out"? YOUTH Simply put, “coming out” is the process of letting others know that you are LGBTQQ. Everyone’s coming out process is different. For some, it’s a positive experience that brings them closer to their friends and family. Others experience confusion, shame, isolation and negative reactions that can result in their being ostracized, disowned, abused or kicked out of their homes. For most people, the decision to come out is not one that comes easily, and it often takes years for them to figure out who they are, if they want to tell other people, who to tell, how those people will react and how to prevent any negative consequences. Commonly, young people fear disappointing their parents, losing their love, getting kicked out or being ignored and silenced. There are many reasons why youths come out. Some feel like they are lying to the people that they love the most and believe that no one can love them fully if they are being dishonest or are hiding a part of themselves. Others are unwilling to treat those whom they are in a relationship with as if they are ashamed of them. For most people, coming out is a lifelong process that confronts them every time there is a change in their life involving someone new, such as getting a new job, moving, or even something as simple as buying clothes. Coming out is a Western concept. In America, it has roots that emerge from the notions of freedom, liberation and how they are understood in this culture. In American culture, talking openly about the challenges you’re facing and sharing intimate information about yourself is a normal way to relieve stress, release emotions, show your trust in someone and create a bond with them. It is also an opportunity to get help and figure out possible solutions. API parents may not understand the meaning that coming out may hold for you or why you feel the need to tell people. For youth: What are the words for LGBTQQ folks in the native language of the ethnic group that your family belongs to and what do they describe? What are the norms for LGBTQQ people in the culture that your parents grew up in? What can you do to begin to understand where they are coming from and why they may not understand your perspective? For parents: Based on the books, television shows and movies that your child views, what are normal families like to them? How do family members interact with one another? What thoughts, views, feelings, etc. do they share with one another? What can you do to begin to understand what they see as a normal relationship between parents and their children and how might the differences in you and your child’s expectations lead to misunderstandings? PARENTS Coming out can also refer to the process that parents go through when they decide to work towards accepting their LGBTQQ child’s sexuality or gender identity. Parents often assume that they must have done something wrong when raising their child, causing her/him to become LGBTQQ. Many parents experience feelings which are similar to those that their child went through or is going through when they think about the opposition they or their child may have to deal with from members of the community, their friends or even from other family members. Many parents don’t know who or where to turn to, how they can understand their child’s perspective, how or where to begin identifying and addressing their child’s needs or how to communicate effectively with them. Parents, like their children, need time: time to understand what being LGBTQQ means in an American context, time to sift through all of the stereotypes that they have learned in their lifetime and figure out what is true and what isn’t, time to come to terms with the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for them, especially their fears. Parents need time to figure out if they want to tell other people and how to go about it without jeopardizing their children, their families or the communities that they belong to. This can be especially difficult in conservative or religious communities, though there are religious groups that are supportive. Many parents find it helpful to talk to other parents who have LGBTQQ children and who share their culture or ethnicity. Many young people become frustrated because their parents haven’t reached a point where they can understand or accept their gender identity or sexuality. When youth can’t communicate with their parents, whether it’s because their parents refuse to talk about it or there is a language barrier, they can begin to feel as if things will never change. For parents: Many young people have spent 10 years or more figuring out who they really are. Who knows what your child is going through better than him/herself? What does your child want from you? Have you asked them with an open mind and an open heart? Your child may have access to any number of resources and may want to help you. Talking to them may be a great way for you to show them your love, trust, support and good intentions. For youth: If you feel similar frustrations, think of how long it took you to come to terms with your own sexual identity and to deal with the feelings that came up for you. Your family may just need some time. 5. Are there any other options? Coming out isn’t the only option. There are APIs that are living their lives the way they want to without officially coming out to their families. Some have partners that they bring to family functions, while others always bring their “best friend”. Sometimes their immediate and extended families figure it out, sometimes they don’t. When parents know, but the extended family doesn’t, some choose to just say nothing and act as if everything is normal. This can prompt the rest of the family to take it in stride and not make a big deal of it. Some API families find it easier to handle the situation by not talking about it—if it is not discussed, it can’t be argued over. Before coming out, some youth choose to become stable and independent, in order to prove to their parents that they can be responsible adults. This can mean completing college or getting a job. Once they are living under their own roof, they can make their own rules. Many have friends in the LGBTQQ community that their families never know about, allowing them to have a social life free of their families’ judgments. Coming out is not for everyone nor is it for every family. It is an important transition in your life and should never be rushed. 6. What are the disadvantages of coming out? Coming out is not a miracle or a cure all and will not solve all of your problems related to being LGBTQQ. Once you jump one hurdle, you begin to realize that there are many more to come. Heterosexism, homophobia and transphobia still exist all around us. Unfortunately, hate crimes and hate speech are still a reality. Verbal harassment from students, teachers and administrators is especially rampant in today’s public school systems. It may be important for you to find allies within these groups, or in the school’s GSA, if one exists and if you feel safe there. Oppression can also exist within the networks that you rely on for support. When you come out, you may lose some or all of your friends. Your family may treat you differently, they may blame you for causing distress or bringing them shame, and they may disown you or kick you out of the house. They may refuse to help you emotionally or financially (school, buying a car, deposit for an apartment, emergencies) in the future. The API community is not known for keeping secrets very well and once it breaches the family circle, it may spread more quickly and reach farther than you had anticipated. You may feel more ashamed and isolated because of how others treat you. 7. What are the benefits of coming out? There is still hope. Coming out can be liberating, can be relieving and can give you peace of mind. It can alleviate what worries you may have that friends, community members, and family members might find out. It can help you feel proud of who you are and remove the shame that is sometimes associated with hiding a part of yourself. Coming out can allow you to live with dignity and respect and give those around you the opportunity to show their respect for you and how you live your life. You may find support in places that you never thought possible. Coming out can allow you to focus on other parts of yourself and your life that you didn’t have the time or energy to invest in before. It can help you grow by beginning to challenge your understanding of social constructs, freeing yourself from the expectations that are imposed on us from birth—expectations that other people buy into without ever thinking about what those expectations mean or how they affect people. By trying to help your parents understand your point of view, you can open yourself up to learning more about how you relate to API culture and American culture. You can begin to understand how the need to negotiate between these two, often contradictory, forces have contributed to how you relate to the world. It can also open a channel for you to get to know more about your parents, to understand where they are coming from and how their world view has been shaped by what they’ve experienced in their own lives. Connecting with people in the LGBTQQ community can help you find others that you can identify with and who understand, or who have gone through, what you are going through. This community can support you when you don’t know where else to turn. For many, the freedom gained by coming out comes from no longer having to worry about all of the things that have been so challenging for such a long period in their lives. Some resources for LGBTQQ youth and/or LGBTQQ API youth are: San Francisco AQU25A FTM International GLSEN LYRIC OutLoud Radio SF LGBT Community Center East Bay UC Berkeley’s Cal Q&A Pacific Center SMAAC Some resources for LGBTQQ APIs are: San Francisco APIQWTC Exoticize My Fist PAL Trikone South Bay South Bay Queer & Asian 8. What factors should I consider before coming out? Make sure that you have a solid support network of people that you trust, who are willing to listen and who love you for who you are. This can include friends, counselors, teachers, community organizations and family members (cousins, aunts, siblings, etc). Try to get a sense of people’s views on gender and sexuality, listen to the comments they make or don’t make and watch how they treat other LGBTQQ folks that are in their lives before attempting to come out to them. What is their communication style? How do they like to receive information? A little bit at a time or a lot all at once? Trust yourself. If you feel like you shouldn’t come out to someone, then you’re probably right. On the other hand, try not to allow your eagerness to come out cloud your judgment. If you feel like you should come out to someone, take a step back just to make sure there’s nothing you missed. If you have relatives who are more progressive than your parents or grandparents, try coming out to them first, so that when the time comes, you will have support from other members of your family. They may be able to communicate with your parents more effectively or help relieve some of the pressure you may be under. Prepare for the worst-case scenario. What do your parents provide for you? What if you couldn’t get those things from them anymore? Where would you go? Who would you turn to? Where can you get what you need in order to keep going? 9. Who should I come out to? Who you come out to is something for you to decide. Many find coming out to their parents to be their top priority, but coming out to friends, siblings, cousins, and other family members may be easier to do, easier to deal with and be fulfilling in their own ways. Get to know yourself, how you deal with conflict, what you are or aren’t comfortable with, how you communicate, how you react under pressure, how you relate to other people and what support you need. Only you will know when you are ready to come out and to whom. You will know if a course of action is realistic for you or not. Be alert for bad advice and don’t allow others to force you to do something that won’t work for you. Your safety and well-being are very important! Remember to take care of yourself and find support when you need it or before you need it. It may be difficult for you to do, but there is no shame in asking for help and there are plenty of people who are willing to give you the help that you need.